Tuesday, November 30, 2010

An Unhappy Marriage - 8 Helpful Tips to Make it Happier

Married and feeling desperate, disappointed, discouraged and unhappy is not what most couples signed up for when they said "I do". Married and dealing with infidelity, loneliness, low self-esteem, lack of communication, disrespect and unhappiness is definitely not what was expected with your marriage commitment. Well, statistics show that over 50% of the marriages today end up in divorce. I can give you 2 reasons (in my humble opinion) why there is unhappiness in most of the marriages that end up in divorce. Selfishness and lack of love!

In a broad sense there are some common problems in a marriage that take the marriage from a blissful relationship to that unhappy marriage stage such as;

Abuse (Physical and Emotional)
Commitment by one or both spouses

All of the above issues can lead to an unhappy marriage. If you have been married for a little while (it doesn't take long) you probably stumbled upon one of these issues. You may not have become unhappy with your marriage but a brief flash of "oh no what did I get myself into" probably popped into your head. If you haven't hit one of these marriage hurdles yet, trust me you will.

Let's deal with the selfishness that ignites a lot of the fires in a marriage and turns them from happy to an unhappy marriage.

Here is the definition of selfish just for the record; devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

A very selfish person is very difficult to either be happy in a marriage or make a spouse happy, unless they change and become less selfish during the marriage. Marriage is a commitment between 2 people being joined together as one. It's no longer my stuff and your stuff, or my time and your time or my money and your money. Everything is now "ours" once you get married. A very selfish person is unwilling to put their spouses' interests, benefits, and welfare first. This can lead to an unhappy marriage.

Can an unselfish person be responsible for making the marriage unhappy? The answer of course is yes. However, I believe you have a much greater chance of having a happy marriage instead of an unhappy marriage because an unselfish person is more likely to grow together with their unselfish spouse and become like one.

To make a marriage become better and go from being an unhappy marriage to a happy marriage we need to get the selfish spouse(s) to see how putting their interests ahead of the spouse or in some cases the entire family is causing frustration, hurt, disappointment and could lead to unintended results, such as a divorce.

Now let's tackle the love or lack of love that makes a marriage unhappy.

Here is the Webster definition of love; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Here is a better definition that I like and if it exists in a marriage there is a greater chance for happiness instead of an unhappy marriage; Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. That's the real meaning of love according to the Bible. I don't think you can have an unhappy marriage with this kind of love.

Does it mean that if you love your spouse with this kind of love you will never have issues to overcome in your marriage? Of course not! However, do you think you have a better shot of having a happy or unhappy marriage?

So the key to being happy or working towards fixing an unhappy marriage is less selfishness and more love. Sounds pretty simple but is very difficult to do. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks right? WRONG!

Every person is capable of change. It's called making a commitment to doing so and following through. If you want to stop smoking you can. If you want to stop drinking too much alcohol you can. If you want to stop gaining weight you can. If you want to be happier in your marriage you can. The only difference is sometimes it takes both spouses to be willing to change for the sake of making an unhappy marriage better.

Here are 8 basic things or tips you can work on to move from the unhappy marriage stage to the happy stage of marriage. If you and your spouse can work toward the same goal, that would be best. If not, you make a commitment to make things better and your spouse will come around eventually.

Fighting fair - Don't bring up things from the past that were supposed to be forgiven and forgotten. It's like pouring salt on an open wound. Don't say hurtful things about your spouse that you know will cause a lot of pain, and add to unhappiness in the marriage.

Stop sweating the small stuff - Make it a point to stop getting aggravated, frustrated and disappointed over little things that really aren't that important. Overlook the little things that you normally complain about that gets under your skin. You know what they are.

Enjoy being around your spouse - Don't disappear when your spouse comes home or when they enter the room your in. Stop acting like you enjoy life more when they are out of the house, out of town or at least not in the same room as you. Let your spouse know that you enjoy it when you are together.

Don't talk negative about your spouse to others - It's very easy to share what's wrong with your spouse that's driving you crazy. Stop doing that immediately. No spouse likes to be talked about in that way. It's not okay to make jokes about your spouse around family or friends that betrays a trust. If you don't have anything positive to say don't say anything.

Talk to your spouse - It's not okay to go hours or days playing the silent I'm not talking to you game. There is nothing gained by shutting down and not talking to your spouse. It's difficult at times but the only time you should not be talking is if for some reason you are really upset and need a little time to cool off. Otherwise, keep the lines of communication open. I know not talking times gives you peace of mind. But don't settle for a temporary time of peace when you could work on fixing your unhappy marriage problem.

Act like a married couple - Don't take separate cars to the same place unless it's really necessary. That's what you did before you got married. No separate vacations, or bedrooms. You need to be committed to being a couple and not married singles.

Don't take advice from the wrong people - There will be many family, friends and enemies who will offer you free advice. Be careful who you talk to and more importantly who you listen to. It's very difficult for a spouse to be happy in a marriage knowing that you have blabbed your marriage problems to the world. You also don't want to follow advice from someone who has been married 3 times. It's better to limit the circle of people you discuss your marriage with and you also don't always need to share all the details. The wrong people can't tell you how to fix your unhappy marriage problem

Support your spouse - Make sure you are there for your spouse even though you don't want to be. If there is a family function with your in-laws don't stay home. Be there for your spouse. The same thing goes for work or even playful functions like a sporting event. It's important for your spouse to know that you care enough to be with them even though they know you don't want to be around certain people. It shows that they mean more to you than your feelings about other people.

There are many ways to take your unhappy marriage and make it better. The key to [http://restoringrelationships.info/save_my_marriage_today.html]Restoring Your Relationship is to work on being less selfish and being more loving. Put your spouse's interests ahead of yours and you will be happier and so will your spouse.

Living in an unhappy marriage is difficult and hard to sustain. If you need some proven strategies and techniques to make your marriage better I would suggest taking a look here at [http://restoringrelationships.info/save_my_marriage_today.html]Save My Marriage Today.

You deserve a happy marriage because that's what you agreed to when you said "I do". Take the steps to get what you deserve.

By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=D_P_Haynes]D P Haynes

Friday, April 30, 2010

Building the Perfect Future in Your Family

Do you realize that you are grooming the next generation of husbands? There’s an old adage that says: “if you want to know what kind of a husband a man will be, watch how he treats his mother.” A man treats his mother, by and large, the way he has seen his father treat her as his wife.

The way you love, lead and protect your wife and children speaks loudly to your children; it models to your daughter the kind of man should look for in a husband. One of the most valuable lessons you can teach your children is how a good man should relate to his wife and how he should lovingly lead his family.

You and your spouse are role models to your kids, whether you know it or not, you unconsciously pass non verbal messages to your children everyday by the way you live. You and your spouse should endeavor to keep and maintain a loving relationship; you owe that to your children and also to yourselves. I know you would like to be a proud grand parent in the future watching with love and adoration as your grandchildren play around you, nice picture right?

To create that loving scene you have to work at it, as a team with your spouse. Let your home be a resting nest where all the members of your family come back to everyday for love, support and succor. This helps in strengthening the bond within your family unit. Your children feel a sense of security when they see and know that their parents truly love each other. It helps them build better relationships and improves their confidence in social gatherings, while they concentrate and excel in their academics.

This is the bedrock having a happy closely knit family; it entails conscious and persistent work, from both you and your spouse. Make up your mind to work at it, it is achievable, the first step is talking to your spouse and giving them the opportunity to buy into your vision. The future is for sure yours to enjoy and savor, so get on course and enjoy the expedition.


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Friday, April 23, 2010

Safeguarding Your Marriage – For Women

In keeping a happy and fulfilling marriage wives should always ensure they become students to their spouse spiritually, emotionally, sexually and relationally. What I mean by this, is you should take time out to study your husband, learn everything about him: his sexual rhythm, his needs and how you can help him in overcoming his weaknesses.

The mystery and beauty of any healthy sexual relationship is the desire to be known at the deepest, most intimate level by the couple. Do you know or care what pleases your husband sexually, or the kind of signals he gives indicating his desire to have sexual experience with you. These are issues most women take for granted, but are very important to the male gender. In most cases males are secretive about their sexual desires they tend to expect their wives to know how they feel.

On the other hand wives feel that their husbands discussing about their sexual desires makes them look like sex machines which their husbands just switches on each time they desire sex. This not true, the masculine expression of intimacy is through sexual connection, while that of the feminine gender is through communication, emotions and tenderness.

The bridging of this difference about both genders is what ensures unity and happiness in a marriage union. Wives please learn and understand that your husband really care about you, and desires to be intimate and close to you, but can in most cases relate to after being fulfilled of his desires. Once a man desire is met he automatically responds lovingly and tenderly to his spouse, because he appreciates being satisfied by someone he loves dearly, your submission as a wife makes him feel manly, giving him a high sense of esteem.

Men feel rejected once their wife turns them down for sexual intimacy. They tend to recoil into their shells and in most cases not talk about how they feel. The danger is that they might start looking for fulfillment elsewhere, this I know you hate as a wife. Think about it, your husband loves you so much to desire you sexually, he connects and bonds with you each time you allow him to enjoy what you both share. Find a way to discuss with your husband, if there are attitudes he portrays which you dislike, let him know how you feel, he would listen and try as much as he can to please the woman he loves, the mother of his children.


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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Safeguarding Your Marriage- For Men

It is easy for a man to begin capturing another woman’s heart without realizing it. You think you’re just having an enjoyable conversation with a coworker, but she may see it as the only attention she’s had all week. Before you know it your conversations move from friendly chatter to intimate subjects. This might be the genesis of your infidelity in marriage.

For a husband here are some signs to look for in other women that may want something intimate, intense eye contact, flattery, touching your arm or rubbing your back during conversation and wanting to talk about intimate topics. If she is suggestive in her conversation, confiding about her husband’s not meeting her needs, causing you to sympathize with her, then you in broad way to an impending crisis in your marriage.

I know this may sound extreme, but it is best if you don’t encourage touch with a woman other than your wife. If a woman is touching physically then she is already connecting emotionally. It is as intimate as preparing for sex. Yes that would be the final destination of all the attention you are enjoying. No matter how appealing the attention of another woman is to your manhood, an innocent friendship can gradually develop into an affair and lead you down a path you’ll soon regret.

Remember your marriage vow, and all so the woman you love so dearly, hurting her will bring agony to your heart, even if you fill she’s not giving the attention you need which you’re getting from your colleague. Your marriage is more valuable than a fling which might seem the right thing to do now, but think about the consequences and ask yourself, is it really worth the risk.


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Stay married for life – The Key Is Meeting Your Spouse’s Love Needs

Meeting your spouse’s love needs is one of the most important responsibilities you have in your marriage and this is all about keeping your marriage vows; for better or worse. Doing this you is building a firm foundation for a great marriage.

When you focus on meeting your spouse’s need you become more motivated to do what you were born to become. Neglecting the needs of your spouse could cost you your marriage. The bottom line reason for meeting your spouse’s needs are that if you don’t, you could lose him/her to another man or woman, something I bet you don’t want.

Your spouse emotional, physical, relational and spiritual needs are very essential, and when not met, would affect your marriage. Meeting the needs of your spouse, guards your marriage against temptation. You need to know your spouse’s heart and needs, and then sacrificially step away from your own selfishness and learn how to meet those needs.

Most couples if asked if they are meeting their spouse’s love needs, the general answer would be yes. Truly, what most people are doing is that they assume their spouse wants what they want and begin to satisfy that assumed need, instead of trying to know and ask their spouse about their actual needs. It is when these needs are known that you can actually satisfy them.

Are you willing to meet your spouse’s needs? Then take some time and follow these steps. Ask yourself, am I really committed to meeting his/her needs. List the needs you presume your spouse wants you to satisfy, also list your own needs. Then find time and discus with your spouse, stating how you intend meeting his/her needs, tell your partner just how you feel. In return your spouse would be happy and feel appreciated and would go the extra mile to help you by revealing all you need to know.


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Monday, April 19, 2010

How to Meet Your Spouse’s Needs in Marriage

Your response, initiative and connection to your spouse are crucial to the health of your marriage and family. Your expression of your unconditional love and acceptance is the very force that will drive you together in the midst of the testing times in your marriage.

At times this means putting down your own needs in order to meet that of your partner. It means resisting your tendency to be selfish and self protective. If you love unconditionally especially when face with challenges in your marriage, both of you will grow to become more intimate. If you don’t you both will be fighting for supremacy and on the long run anger, hate and resentment will be the bedrock of your marriage.

Your spouse desperately needs to know that you accept him/her no matter what. Even when your spouse makes poor decisions, your love is a make or break reality. Your inability to love will tear your marriage apart while your unconditional love and acceptance will build and strengthen your marriage.

Both you and your spouse need to daily clear away your misunderstandings before going to bed. T his enables you to start the day with a clean slate void of resentments. This process involves a measure of work and commitment from both of you, because communication is essential at this point. This is easier said than done because when a partner feels cheated they tend to either burst out in anger or bury their feelings in resentment. These attitudes are communication killers in a marriage.

Whether you are in the midst of a crisis, living with an ongoing circumstance or just responding to the normal routine of marriage, giving your spouse the security of an unwavering love requires that you grace for their weaknesses, affirming them whenever you can. Help you spouse feel safe, take time to connect and study your spouse, because on the long run you are doing it to ensure your own happiness and fulfillment.


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Friday, April 16, 2010

How to Resolve a Sexless Marriage

A sexless marriage is what most couples don’t envisage at the beginning of their marriage. There are factors that lead to the sudden dryness in your relationship. These factors may include taking each other for granted, one partner stops taking care of how they look, and gradually becomes unattractive, and another is doing the same thing when making love. Making love becomes boring it is done in the same location, time and position.

You may think a sexless marriage is the end of the road, and divorce seems inevitable. It is not true, as long as you are willing to chart a new course in your marriage. There are misconceptions about sexless marriages; one of them is that older couples are the ones who face this challenge, another is that women do not crave for sex as much as men. Research has shown that young people also face the challenge of a sexless marriage, and there are women who complain about this problem.

The first step to solving this challenge is that both partners admit that they have a problem. There is nothing to be ashamed of because the issue of a sexless marriage is not peculiar to only your marriage. It is a problem other couples are facing, but are not bold enough to talk about it or seek advice from those who help them. You are on the right path acknowledging there is a problem in your marriage and seeking for solutions on how to solve it.

The next step is overcoming your feeling of rejection and being hurt, remember your partner might also be feeling just the way you do. There is no point being selfish here, you and your partner are in involved in the reconciliatory process, so team work is very essential at this point.

Communication has been the breach in your relationship, the genesis of your problem is a gap in communication. You and your partner refuse to talk about issues concerning your marriage that you did not like and decided to stay mute about it. Over the years the feeling of resentment, lack of appreciation and hurt has built a formidable wall between you and your spouse. Your marriage now looks like a competition between two rival teams in a competition.

Both of you have to decide to drop your guards and come out of your shells. Go out on dates to your favorite locations, wear that seductive lingerie for your spouse this could be a turn on, you never can tell. Buy a gift for your spouse, it must not be expensive, but must be presented in an atmosphere of love and appreciation. Take a bath before that special moment and wear the cologne your spouse likes, arrange a candle light dinner, watch a romantic movie together. Before you know it, you would be wondering what you have both missed all the while you were competing amongst yourselves. Your union would be stronger than you ever imagine.


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